A Message To Readers (if I even have any):

Chances are you happend upon my little page by googling in the toolbar something completely off the wall, and if that was what you were looking for, then you've come to the right place. Be prepared to waste a period of your life away if you graze around my page. You will not get the alloted time back, so I am warning you, I am not responsible.
I write about absolutely nothing at all. There is no importance to it, nor is there anything that will make you brighter. It will, in fact, make you dumb and possibly entertained a bit. I write because it's an outlet. It's fun and footloose and fancyfree. I have grammar and punctuation problems, and you probably have foul smelling body odor or maybe you walk through life with a constant wedgie. Let's play on that and be stoopit.
Beware of foul language and sometimes disgusting use of words.
Can't say I didn't warn ya.
Over and out.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Right now

Do you want to know what is going on right now?  That's ok, I'll tell you anyways. 

Right now, a camel is struggling to survive.  Right now, right now at this very moment, a camel is halucinating and at the brink of catastrophe.  A slow suffering to the camel.   These things take time, you know.  The camel is not too lucky today.
It is at it's prisipus.  The shining glory for this single most important camel is fading away.  You see, the camel is going to die today.
Why is the camel going to die?  I will tell you why that camel is definately going to die today.  The camel caused the problem with itself.  So don't feel bad for it.  But the camel, the stupid camel , is going to die today because it did not finish it's task.
The task.  Ok, the bloody task for the camel was simple.  It couldn't even manage it, and it's dying now because of it, so you really, really shouldn't feel bad for it even for a minute.  Good grief, it can't even handle a task.  Now it is killing itself because it was so very dumb.  It has been an idiot!  That camel!! It just pisses me off.
The task was to go to the sanddune.  Just gallantly walk over there, just a mile away, and find the buckets.  The buckets were RIGHT there.  You couldn't miss them.  Well, that camel did! And let me tell you, they were right in his face.  He turned around and looked at me with that stupid face of his and said nothing.  He was just like  DURRR!!!!  And I was like DUHHH!!! So that camel.....that THING that it is, well, he just stood there waiting.  WAITING!!! The buckets were right there.  Seriously.
So an hour after he finally found them, he looked in them.  He was supposed to pick a bucket of his choice, and bring it to the palms.  Well you know about that camel.  That idiot camel couldn't open his mouth.  He didn't know how to.  So he stood there for another 6 hours looking at the buckets.  And the camel and the buckets were there for awhile.  Doing nothing.  I got fed up and went back to do something else other than scream at the camel to do it's task.  I just couldn't take it anymore. 
 It was bedtime, completely dark, and I look out my window, and the bloody camel...that stupid monster is still looking at the damn buckets.  Well, they can rot together!!! I was so angry I almost couldn't sleep, but I ended up sleeping anyways just from sheer exhaustion from the dumbness of the day.  I don't give a rat's butt about that situation out there anymore.
But the next day, it bothered me.  I had tossed and turned all night.  So I decided to go out there and see what all the hubbub was about.  That camel, that dingaling, was still there, still looking dumb as ever.  I sighed a big sigh and tried to regain composure.  This is a camel after all.  Let's get a grip, here.
So the camel finally figured out that it had a mouth after all and started walking to the palms with its bucket.  Just a mile...same distance, same path as when it traveled to the buckets, just this time, it's going to the palms.  The only slight degree of difficulty might have been the tiny slope.  But you had to really crouch down and look at the sand hard to even notice it.  I mean, common!! It wasn't really even there!  What a ninny.  I swear, that camel likes to make up excuses.  The genius's knees completely buckled and it wobbled to an awkward fall and slid down the invisible slope.  THERE WAS NO SLOPE!! There was NOTHING there! What a stupid useless thing!! And it was awkward too when it did that!! I was embarressed for it!  There was no one at all in that entire desert, but I felt so stupid standing next to it when it fell on nothing.
I shoved the useless thing up and demanded it go to the palms immediately. 
By the Graces above, that thing finally made it.
But now it's dying.
The stupid, dumb idiot of a camel is dying now because of the slope.  Personally, I think it's just being overly dramatic.  I think that the camel needs to get over itself.
So it can go on and suffer all it wants.  When it decides it's going to grow up and face the simple task, then we can move on.  But until then, it is dying.  A camel is laying out in a desert right now slowly dying  because it slid down an invisible slope with a bucket and didn't make it to the palms.  It just couldn't do it.  Didn't even want to.  It would have been easier if it just gave me some sort of excuse.  But it is dying now instead.  Dying with a bucket.

A lovely little stroll through the emotions

Emotions.  We haz them.  We all display them.  Emotions are like the various colors of the rainbow.  They all are beautiful in their own way, depending on how we see them.  As demonstrated in the photo above, there are two clashing emotions playing out here.  One of utter happiness, the other of sheer terror, from either the diaper situation or the feel of no end from the tickling.  We ALL know that feeling...it's quite....well....sufficationg. 

We are somewhat defined by our emotions.  How we react gives others an idea of what kind of person we are: a dramatic, a squishy, a cold disgust, or an unalive.  

A dramatic is probably one of my favorites and totally fun to watch in action.  We all have dramatic tendencies from time to time, but a dramatic is dramatic ALL the time.  In a get together, a dramatic throws himself at you like you haven't seen them in a zillion years when you saw them yesterday at the mailbox because you are neighbors and always seem to get to the mailbox at the same times.  A dramatic can be a bit manic.  They adjust to the "feel" of the atmosphere almost immediately.  If there is a sniffle in the crowd, then the dramatic plays it up and starts the river of tears.  They are in charge of setting the mood and stealing the show.  If there is a laugh, they start slapping their knee and let out hee-haw laughs.  And if they injury themselves, that is a real treat.  Depending on the injury, they will really let you know what exactly happened in great detail, even when they are halfway dying.

A squishy is a softheart.  A squishy sees things as darling and pleasantries and goodnesses.  Yup, they can definately be annoying.  But they are harmless.  A squishy would take a dramatic in their arms and give them a bonnet or nee- nee blanket.  They might assist a dramatic, because they think they are just innocents who are somewhat lost like a little doggie.  Their hearts go out to every situation because they see a goodness about everything.  A pile of shit would somewhat make a squishy softhearted to it because it reminds them that living things need foods and this is the evidence of that.  And a squishy wants to be surrounded by darlingness at all times.  Those that are either married or dating a squishy, either grow annoyed by it or eventually succumb to it...more than likely quietly.  A good way to guage the mates' own squishiness is by the length of the relationship.  If they are still together after a small zoo of animal rescues moved in and numerous figurines stare at them at night because "they are cute and do nothing and it tells a story so we HAVE to have them in our home", then it's a tell tale sign that they seceretly love the squishiness and became one themselves.  And that right there is downright squishy.

A cold disgust is just that, a cold disgust.  They are usually not very sociable unless it benefits them somehow.  And they are usually do nothings unless it benefits them somehow.  A cold disgust will snatch the last loaf of bread on the shelf from an elder.  A cold disgust will cut in front of a happy family that has been waiting in line for an hour to ride the rollercoaster and laugh about it. They finish their charming little conversations with "screw you" and then walk away farting.  It is almost impossible to find anything good about a cold disgust from a squishie's viewpoint other than the fact that it was once a little fetus, and even that is far-fetched for a squishy.   A cold disgust might have a few surprises though.  They might put up Christmas decorations and join in Halloween festivities, but it will cost others down the line.  Others involved in trying to "change" a cold disgust will usually suffer in the long run.  They will be putting up the Christmas decorations for a cold disgust in hopes that they are helping to bring out some cheer and better them, while a cold disgust plays them.  But a cold disgust does have emotions, it just takes a great big enormous deal to bring it out of them.  Deep, deep, deep into the darkest depths of a cold disgust is some sort of beating organ that once in awhile is happy.  Cold disgusts are simply afraid to be seen as a squishy, but secretly would like to be one.

An unalive is pretty severe.  An unalive is beyond a cold disgust and simply exists.  It is a medical mystery as to how an unalive lives.  It is nothing more than walking bones.  Quite extraordinary in a sick kinda way.  An unalive is sometimes confused as a rock.  An unalive tends to upset many people, particularly a dramatic.   Since they are direct opposites, a dramatic that is presented with an unalive will try especially hard to "bring some life" to an unalive.  This can result in a really stupid show of emotions.  Resulting in some sort of game, a dramatic will almost start convulsing at the unalive.  The unalive will not laugh, will not bundle, will not fart or push at anything or anyone.  The unalive is just there.  They are just there to be another body, another mass of dumb turd.  You want to kick an unalive.  A squishy would want to throw a dog at it.  A cold disgust isn't even tempted to disturb it, in fear that it will do nothing at all back.  There is no challenge.  The only thing that will bring out some sort of emotion is at feeding times.  At feeding, it will make a grunt or approval sound.  If you find yourself eating around an unalive, it makes you suddenly feel dumb for eating.  You see foods for what they are: fuel so you can keep on doing what you do everyday, and fuel for more of your emotions.  An unalive makes you mad that it eats.  It makes you mad that it continues to eat so it can do more of nothing.   It is sick and hideous and I hope you are not one, because that would make me really mad that you are reading my article.  Then you are going to eat. 

Ok, I'm going to stop right there on the unalive, because it's starting to get me mad and emotional.  An unalive disgusts me more than anything in the world.  It makes me want to throw a road at it.   You are sick, unalive!! You are straight up a disgusting, rotten, generic lump of skummy cheese that hasn't been picked off the shelf in months and is cast away for chicken feed and then the chickens don't even peck at you.   You are badness!   Just stay away.  I don't want to hear your breathing.  Because that makes me madder. 

See how even writing can stir your emotions?  Emotions are amazing.  Of course, these are quite extreme emotions that I listed in this article.   But we like extreme.  No one wants to read about the in-betweens.  They suck and are dumb and unmentionables.  They just walk around following everything.  You could lay out a path of sausages and they would follow along and wait for the mustard.  Boring and dumb. 

So today, look around in the crowds at stores, at traffic lights, at your job and in your own home.  It's entertaining and frightening and it will bring out the emotions in you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Noticing the stupid people

Some things in life just can't be avoided.  Dentist visits, bathing, and stupid people.  Take notice around you during your going abouts.  It cannot be denied, they are everywhere.  And with human population on the uprise, your odds of running into one is quite probable.  Well, don't roll your eyes at me!! I'm simply telling you what you already know.  After all, you have seen them.  Am I right?!  I thought so.  They are everywhere, and I mean everywhere!

So what can be done about this?  I'm glad you asked, because that is the first step in realizing the issue at hand.  There are several ways to deal with this:

Place spikes around your premises.

The ones in the picture are not quite large enough, but you get the idea.  Real stupid people need larger spikes.  Smaller spikes for smaller problems.  Some are convienient, retractable models, for taking to the office.

                                                                                             Become an acrobat.

Doing so, you will be able to outrun them.  Stupid people walk on two left feet.  They are unaware of their comings and goings.  Train at your local YMCA, take ninja courses and look into joining a circus for great insider tips.  The sooner you can master these feats, the better off you'll be from the idiots.

                                                                                  Throw Marbles at them.


We all know the reason for this.

              And if by any chance, you are the state of emergency because somehow, some way, one of the stoopits got ahold of your precious phone number, make recordings of your dog answering the phone so when the dumb heads do call, the recordings of Fido will answer for you.

Now there is hope for them.  Studies show that treating stupid with stupid results in a more positive well being.  Two negatives make a positive!  But be patient....the longer a stupid is left alone, the longer and less hopeful they are to becoming an active, intelligent part of society.  Remember, you are doing them some good.  And if anything else, you are being entertained.

The Joys of Springtime...

Springtime is a wonderful time of year full of fresh starts and good outdoor smells.  After the dulldrums of winter, people seem to wake up and soon head outdoors to cause all sorts of rukus.  Lawn equiptment is brought out, grills are fired  up, and the ice cream truck is starting to show up at dinnertime so that kids cannot buy the ice cream because it will spoil their dinners.  Almost everyone in their right, sane minds enjoys spring.  It's not too hot, and not too cold, but just comfy enough for peoples so they can enjoy the outdoors and annoy their  fellow neighbors with their grass cutting, pressure washing, screaming bratty kid fights and the occasional "please don't wash your car nekkid in my viewing" events. 

Grass cutting is an art that almost everyone thinks of when spring arrives.  It's time for your anal lawn neighbor to break out his edger and perfect his curb grass.  Walking along the edge of his yard, you're almost afraid to step one inch on his grass in fear that you'll leave a footprint.  Geez, it's beautiful.  It would be terrible if a fire ant infestation cropped up .... you look back at your patchy grass that you've struggled season after season and decide to give him one.

Yes, grass cutters are in a league of their own.

With the weather warming up and all the activities going on outside, people feel the need to eat outdoors too.  Humans and animals need to jam food down their throats because it is necessary, but why not bring this ritual outside where everyone in the neighborhood can watch what you are preparing and cramming down your gullets? And then sometimes, we invite friends and family to join us, which results in what we call a barbque with chicken legs and tamborines and such.  If you haven't gone to one of these, I suggest you do so this spring.  Knock on neighbors doors and ask when you will be invited over for the foods.

And with all the eating going on, there are bound to be extra piles laying around.  We can only hope they land on Mr. Perfect's lawn. 

Good Dog !!

And lastly, Springtime is time to make new memories.  Time for sight seeing, or possibly planning a family vacation.  People are out taking pictures and viewing nature in it's glory.

Yes, spring is a time of year that everyone looks forward to.  But it's also a very dangerous time of year, so beware.  Don't die out there.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Some such things that you should know about, or feel really dumb for not knowing about these mentionings

First things first.  Before we cut the ribbon and break out the bubbly, I want to thank my awesome sister for showing me that I, too can  blog!  Oh, yes, this is going to be great!  I have been totally stalking her blog page, which is sheer genius in works and I really wanted to join in !  So now, you can learn some more awesomeness and pack your craw with all kinds of interesting facts and such.   Get ready, grab a snickers!  You will be tested at a later date.

Are you aware that after a rainstorm in Haiti, you can smell the dung of an elephant from the San Fransico zoo?  And how would you even know it's the elephant from that zoo in America you ask?  Because the elephants in that particular zoo are fed a peanut from Farmer Buck's peanut farm.  Haiti sends the seeds, Farmer Buck plants them, and then the scent from the elephant's bung transfers all the way back to the homeland.            Well now...you see.    Share that with your friends.   Makes you want a peanut, doesn't it?!   Told ya to grab a snickers.

Many people are born with a second head.  It is smaller than the original mass, and dies off shortly after birth.  The dominant one takes over and learns to feed.   Ask your mother about this.

Looking in your purse for some gum but haven't got any?  Remember this trick from the native lands.  Grab your purse strap.  (Leather prefferably)  break into desired segments of your choice, and chew.  Back in the pride lands, the natives have a great habit of chewing.  It's because of diet....firm, tough meats mean exercising the mandibles.  Your cravings of chewing on something arise when you hear a bongo rythm on your car stereo or such....it's your caveman tendencies creeping up, and needing to satisfy.   If you do not succumb to these tendencies, you will develop caveman jaw over time...my sister might have an article on it in the near future.

Now I know what you must be thinking:  Wow! You are brilliant!  I know.  I can help you with brilliance.  But these things take time, and I am asking you if you are ready to go with me on a journey.  A journey of time and space and sheer stupidity.  For we are vulcans.           And we can fly.